What the fuck...?

M A Jones mark at SPAMjones118.freeserve.co.uk
Wed Sep 29 15:36:15 MDT 1999



1. The Yanks.

>         ALABAMA STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
>
>
>   Name: ________________           (_) Billy-Bob
>              (last)                   (_) Billy-Joe
>                                       (_) Billy-Ray
>                                       (_) Billy-Sue
>                                       (_) Billy-Mae
>                                       (_) Billy-Jack
>                               (Check appropriate box)
>
>   Age: ____
>   Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
>   Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
>
>   Occupation:
>   (_)Farmer
>   (_)Mechanic
>   (_)Asbestos Worker
>   (_)Hair Dresser
>   (_)Un-employed
>
>   Spouse's Name: __________________________
>
>   Relationship with spouse:
>   (_) Sister
>   (_) Brother
>   (_) Aunt
>   (_) Uncle
>   (_) Cousin
>   (_) Mother
>   (_) Father
>   (_) Son
>   (_) Daughter
>   (_) Pet
>
>   Number of children living in household: ___
>
>   Number that are yours: ___
>
>   Mother's Name: _______________________
>
>   Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
>
>   Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
>
>   Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?  (Check appropriate box)
>
>   ___ Total number of vehicles you own
>   ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
>   ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
>   ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
>   ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
>
>   Firearms you own and where you keep them:
>   ____ truck
>   ____ bedroom
>   ____ bathroom
>   ____ kitchen
>   ____ shed
>
>   Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
>
>   Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
>   (_)The National Enquirer
>   (_)The Globe
>   (_)TV Guide
>   (_)Soap Opera Digest
>
>   ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
>   ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
>   ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
>
>   How often do you bathe:
>   (_)Weekly
>   (_)Monthly
>   (_)Not Applicable
>
>   Color of teeth:
>   (_)Yellow
>   (_)Brownish-Yellow
>   (_)Brown
>   (_)Black
>   (_)N/A
>
>   Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
>   (_)Red-Man
>
>   How far is your home from a paved road?
>   (_)1 mile
>   (_)2 miles
>   (_)don't know
>
>   Organizations that you belong to: (Check all that are applicable)
>   (_) NRA
>   (_) PTL
>   (_) 700 Club
>   (_) KKK
>   (_) NHRA
>
>   Number of tractor pulls you've been to this month :
>   (_) <5          (_) 5-10     (_)  11-15
>   (_)  Can't count
>
>   Beverage of choice:
>   (_) Night Train
>   (_) Blind Dog Bourbon
>   (_) Cousin Cletus' Moonshine (Non-Commercial)
>   (_) Gasoline
>
>   Number of Skoal Belt Buckles You Own:____
>
>   Brand of Jeans you prefer:
>   (_) Wranglers
>
>   Do you play the banjo? (_) Yes
>


2. The Brits.

>
>   ----------
>
>   This article appeared recently in an American magazine under the
>   headline "Advice For Tourists".
>
>   The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to
>   as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to
>   come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern
>   word
>   for what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen
>   cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are
>  called
>   "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a
>   "great tosser" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously
>   demonstrative, tactile people and if you want to fit in you should
>   hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the
>   street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only
>   between people of the same sex.
>
>   Habits
>
>   Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union
>   with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain
>   continental  customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two
>   or three
>   hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new
>   practice in  Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep
>   (alarm clocks,
>   alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich).  If
>   you are
>   late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a
>   wank
>   --everyone will understand and forgive you.
>
>    Universities
>
>    University archives and manuscript collections are still governed
>   by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence
>   patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots
>   and a
>   small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will
>   signal
>   to the librarians that you are "in the know" --one of the inner
>   circle,
>   as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in
>  the
>   library.  Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both
>   cheeks when
>   he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to
>  the
>   reign of Henry VI. One of the most delightful ways to spend an
>   afternoon
>   in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of
>   their
>   flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is
>   known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are
>   privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent
>   them to
>   the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you
>   are
>   interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the
>   public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to
>   protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of
>   Crisco and have it on  you when you ask directions to the yerinals.
>   That
>   way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
>
>    Food
>
>    British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most
>   Sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's
>   robust
>   dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several
>   times a
>   week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your
>   afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several
>   grades of
>   meat in theUK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin,
>   bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence
>  (BSE).
>   When
>   you go to afine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and
>   won't
>   settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom
>   dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while
>   rolling your
>   eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a
>   person of
>   discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's
>   list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one
>   anyway.
>   The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire
>   And EastAnglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat
>  indeed.
>   When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount.
>  Pay
>   whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in
>   which
>   case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand
>   that he
>   should run a tab for you..
>
>    Transportation
>
>    Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi
>   ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a
>   taxi
>   driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
>   charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver
>   arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus
>   drivers are
>   required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus,pay
>   your
>   fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"),and
>   state
>   your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the
>   British Library."  A driver will frequently try to have a bit of
>   harmless
>   fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination.Ignore
>   him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know
>   you're not so ignorant!). Speaking of the British Library, you should
>   know that
>   it has recently moved to a new location at Kew.  Kew is a small
>   fishing
>   village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff;
>   once
>   there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew.
>  Don't
>   forget
>   that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called
>   "bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are
>   called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the
>   "off-license".  It's also very important to know that a "doctor"
>   only means a Ph.D. in England,  not a physician.  If you want a
>   physician, you
>   must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician"). For those
>   travellingon a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most
>   economical wayto get about, especially if you are a woman.  Chivalry
>   is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the
>   Tube.  Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
>   escalators or
>   on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored
>   Tube
>   musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware !  Approaching
>   trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the
>   tunnels.
>   The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by
>   French
>   saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The
>   announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your
>   hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been
>   killed by Gappes though, and they are considered only a minor
>  drawback
>   to
>   an otherwise excellent means of transportation.(If you have
>  difficulty
>   locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway"
>   and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the
>   bumbershoot.) One final note: for preferential treatment when you
>   arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin
>   Fane (an international Jewish peace organization -- the "shin"
>   stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie
>   will
>   assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs;
>   otherwise
>   you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a
>   customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will
>   expedite things on your return trip.
>
>











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