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Tue Nov 21 12:35:13 MST 2000
The Onion 15 November 2000
Nation plunges into chaos
Pro-Bush rebels seize power in west; DC in flames
WASHINGTON, DC--Presidential-election-related violence continued to spread
across the nation Tuesday, with Day Seven of the battle for the White House
claiming another 1,200 lives.
In Bush-controlled Tennessee, news of Gore's call for a sixth recount in
the disputed territory of Florida sparked full-scale rioting, with
Republican militiamen setting fire to Gore's heavily fortified Nashville
compound. It is believed Gore running mate Joseph Lieberman was trapped in
the blaze, though his whereabouts and status were unknown as of press time.
In Austin, Democrats continued to clash with armed Bush troops outside the
Texas capitol. Inside, the Bush family waited for news on the welfare and
whereabouts of Dick Cheney, who was carried off by a band of NARAL
Washington sources reported via short-wave radio that the city is littered
with burning and abandoned National Guard tanks. The last D.C. television
transmissions, which were broadcast at 11:22 p.m. EST Monday, showed the
drowned bodies of more than 200 Young Republicans in the National Mall's
cyanide-laced reflecting pool. It is unknown whether the deaths are a mass
suicide or the work of a Democratic guerrilla group operating out of the
Gore-controlled territory of Maryland.
Since declaring himself President For Life, President Clinton has remained
sealed inside a subterranean White House bunker with a cadre of Secret
Service personnel and a stockpile of canned goods. Like the many state
governors who declared themselves regional warlords over the weekend,
Clinton said he plans to wait out the fighting in the streets.
Meanwhile, Bush and Gore steadfastly maintained their claims to the
presidency after respectively declaring Austin, TX, and Nashville the
provisional national capitals. While Gore controls much of the nation's
Northeast and Upper Midwest, Bush currently holds all territory west of the
Mississippi River except California and Washington. Each man has issued
commands to the American people to cease rioting and acknowledge him as
president and has ordered the armed forces to salute him as the next
Commander In Chief.
Borders between Gore states and Bush states have been witness to some of
the fiercest fighting of the past week. Along the Illinois-Indiana border,
an estimated 240 people have died in skirmishes, including 47 Danville, IL,
residents in a midnight Hoosier raid on the Gore-controlled state. On
Sunday, police at the Arizona-California border turned away more than
40,000 Golden State Republicans seeking to cross into Bush-controlled
Arizona. Democratic refugees attempting to cross in the opposite direction
were similarly rebuffed.
News of other presidential candidates is sketchy at best. On Monday,
National Public Radio reported that a man "strongly resembling" Ralph Nader
was crucified at the hands of angry New Hampshire Democrats. Pat Buchanan
is believed to have entered Florida with several hundred Jewish followers
shortly before communications with the state were lost. Libertarian Party
candidate Harry Browne is believed to be mounting a challenge to election
results in Suffolk County, NY, where Constitution Party candidate Howard
Phillips edged him out for fifth place by just two votes.
Alan Greenspan, who established the Fed-In-Exile in Paris last Friday, has
announced a freeze on the markets until order can be restored. He has
temporarily fixed the value of the U.S. dollar at $15 Canadian.
Citizens have been urged to stay in their homes and keep their lights off
until further notice.
Communication with Florida Cut Off
TALLAHASSEE, FL--Federal officials confirmed Tuesday that all forms of
communication with Florida, the bloody battleground for 25 electoral votes,
have been cut off.
Across the state, Atlantic Bell phone lines and relays have been severed.
The efforts of Georgia-based emergency crews hoping to reconnect lines have
been hampered by piles of burning vehicles choking all roads leading into
In addition to the loss of phone contact, Internet, television, and radio
communications have been lost to the surging violence plaguing the most
bitterly contested state in the nation.
"We are attempting to bring swift and fair closure to these elections,"
said Florida Governor Jeb Bush during a statewide televised message at 7:35
p.m. EST Monday, the last known transmission from the Sunshine State. "We
ask that Gore and his followers concede gracefully and allow a dignified
end to a long--what the...? No! Back! Back!" The screen then went black.
Though technicians stationed along the Georgia border have reported
receiving faint, garbled radio signals from walkie-talkies and ham radios,
the content of these transmissions is unclear. Through the heavy static,
the technicians have reportedly heard a variety of unconfirmed sounds,
including screams for help, the toneless recitation of random strings of
numbers, and harshly barked combat orders.
The technicians could also make out certain specific words and phrases,
including "Bush by three," "rererererecount," and "Oy gevalt." Several
heavily accented female voices could also be heard wailing, "Elián."
According to reconnaissance photos taken by Russian military aircraft, the
entire southeast portion of the state, including Miami and Ft. Lauderdale,
is obscured by thick smoke. In a photo of Biscayne Bay, the water has a
distinct crimson tint. Another photo shows a flotilla of commercial fishing
boats, overloaded with refugees and sailing in the direction of Cuba.
"We have no idea what's going on down there," said Captain Matt Tunney of
the Georgia National Guard, one of the few reserve units available to
respond to the Florida crisis. "There are 15 million people trapped in that
boiling cauldron, everyone from Boca Raton retirees to Jacksonville
rednecks to Miami Beach fashion models. To be honest, I don't think I want
to know what's going on."
ALBUQUERQUE, NM--New Mexico's five electoral votes swung back into the Bush
column Monday when George W. Bush executed 253 Las Cruces-area Democrats.
With their deaths, the Al Gore-backing Democrats were declared ineligible,
wiping out the Democratic candidate's narrow 252-vote victory margin in New
Mexico and giving Bush the state by just one vote.
"We express great sorrow for the families of the condemned," said Karl
Rove, Bush's senior strategist. "We must keep in mind, however, that these
are not innocent people we're talking about here. These individuals were
guilty of a variety of crimes, from vagrancy to jaywalking to reckless
endangerment of pedestrians' lives through inappropriate use of
rollerblades. And for these crimes, they paid a fair price."
Continued Rove: "The fact that their deaths deliver the state of New Mexico
to George W. Bush, well, that's merely a happy coincidence."
The New Mexico Democrats, all of whom lived less than 20 miles from the
Texas border city of El Paso, were arrested last Friday during a day-long
law-enforcement sweep by Texas state troopers. A majority of the arrests
were made in El Paso, where many of the New Mexicans were visiting friends
or relatives over the weekend.
Asked if the executions were in any way motivated by his narrow deficit in
New Mexico, Bush said, "They most certainly were not."
"All 253 individuals were found guilty in a court of law," Bush said. "They
were given a fair, 30-minute trial and handed a punishment commensurate
with their misdeeds. Blatant disregard for the law may be tolerated
elsewhere, but not in the great state of Texas. Or states close to Texas."
The New Mexico Democrats were administered lethal injection and pronounced
dead shortly after 3 p.m. in the El Paso Correctional Facility, making them
the 36th through 288th persons to be put to death in Texas this year.
Immediately afterward, their ballots were nullified in their home voting
district of Dona Ana County.
According to Texas Department of Corrections spokesman Martin Cobb, 27 of
the executed Democrats were employees of a Las Cruces software company.
They had crossed the Texas border to attend the weekend-long Southwest
Computer Expo at the El Paso Convention Center.
"All of the information we gathered on the Las Cruces 27 indicated that
they were questionable characters," Cobb said. "Some had subscriptions to
The New Yorker. A few were confirmed members of the Sierra Club. One even
participated in a union-led teachers' strike a few years ago."
Despite cries of protest from families of the deceased, both the Texas
Board Of Pardons And Paroles and the Texas Court Of Criminal Appeals
refused to stay the executions. Rove, however, is confident that they
received a fair trial.
"It was presided over by the Honorable Jacob T. Hayes, one of the most
respected and experienced judges in the state," Rove said. "You're talking
about a man who is a close personal friend of such esteemed figures as the
governor of Florida and a former president of the United States."
Bush, who personally presided over the mass lethal injection, expressed
sorrow for those executed.
"It is a tragedy that these people chose to take their lives down such a
destructive path," Bush said. "Fortunately, they did not die in vain, for
their deaths will serve as a deterrent to other New Mexico Democrats who
are considering a similar life of crime."
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