Help Wanted Ad

Stuart Lawrence stuartwl at
Tue Dec 3 21:15:24 MST 2002

Brian Lehrer Commentary: Help Wanted Ad
By Brian Lehrer
NEW YORK, NY (2002-12-02)
Unemployment is high right now, and good jobs are scarce. But WNYC's Brian
Lehrer came across this intriguing ad for a very choice position.

Help Wanted: Chairman, Presidential Commission To Investigate Failures That
Enabled 9/11.

President of the United States seeks a household name diplomat for unique
opportunity to serve your country, repair your tarnished image and secure
your legacy. The successful applicant will lead a bipartisan team of
cautious politicians to investigate US intelligence failures that
contributed to the success of the September 11th plot. Must be able to walk
fine line between victims' families who want you to report what really
happened, and the CIA director who'd rather you sweep it under the rug.
This demanding position will require the skills of a consummate diplomat,
with a clear ideology, but willing to take unexpected risks, like sending
Nixon to China.

At this moment of national crisis, this position calls for a towering moral
figure who can deliver national unity and command universal respect.
However, in the absence of such a candidate, international lightning rods
and individuals known for polarizing the country will be considered. Must
have experience leading US in a major war, even if you lost that war. Nobel
Peace Prize, deserved or not, a plus.

Our enemy is a global menace with cells in all corners of the world. If you
have experience working with murderous regimes in diverse locations, from
Chile to Vietnam to East Timor, we encourage your application. The goal of
our enemy is to overthrow our democratically elected government, by
assassinating our president if necessary. Working knowledge of such
schemes, such as the Pinochet military coup, required. Personal success in
the field a plus.

The 9/11 attack was a secret bombing plot. It takes an unusual mind and
questionable personal character to be willing to mastermind such a thing.
The successful candidate must be familiar with that way of thinking.
Personal experience masterminding the secret bombing of Cambodia helpful.

Our enemy is believed to be seeking chemical and biological weapons. The
successful candidate will have experience with these kinds of weapons, such
as napalm and agent orange. Since the CIA will do a thorough background
check on your professional history, you and your past employers must have
unimpeachable credentials.

Concerned about applying because of potential conflicts of interest? Don't
be. Owning a Washington consulting firm that has close professional
relationships with the very people you'll be investigating not an obstacle.
Who doesn't these days?

Ability to make Ted Koppel genuflect and call you doctor desirable. Need
not be as impressive to Christopher Hitchens. Commitment to democracy
around the world optional. Commitment to expressing US power through
realpolitique required. If you thought d tente with the Soviet Union was
smarter than bringing the Evil Empire to its knees, and if you believe
power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, then this just may be the job for you.

Inquiries to GW Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Republicans only.

The Bush Administration is an Equal Opportunity Employer. Septogenarians,
Nixon appointees and suspected war criminals are strongly encouraged to
© Copyright 2002, WNYC

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