Help for the Needy Enron Execs , won't you please lend a hand?
jcraven at clark.edu
Sun Feb 17 16:27:24 MST 2002
Help for the Needy Enron Execs
Posted: February 14, 2002
Dear kind-hearted friends...
Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help
those in need. Enron executives in our very own country are living at or
just below the seven-figure salary level...right here in the land of plenty.
And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result
of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.
But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's
less than the cost of a large-screen projection TV), you can help an Enron
executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This
contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per
diem, ...but it's a start.
Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it
could mean the difference between a vacation spent in DC, golfing in Florida
and a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more
than rent, a car note or mortgage payments. But to an Enron exec $700 will
almost replace his per diem. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will
enable an Enron exec to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the
year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the exec you
sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate,
and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get
information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute. Imagine the joy
as you watch your executive's portfolio double or triple! Plus upon signing
up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec (unsigned-for a
signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your
refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your Enron exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to
help in a time of need. Although the exec won't know your name, he will be
able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case
additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor an Enron executive. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Mid-level Manager
[ ] Director
[ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which department)
[ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which department)
[ ] CEO (Contribution: Average Enron janitor monthly salary x 700)
[ ] Entire Company
[ ] I'll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me.
SPECIAL LIMITED TIME OFFER
Already an Enron supporter? Don't worry, in this troubled economy, there are
many executives who need your help. Ford today is laying off 35,000. The
NASDAQ is deflated. Now you can show your patriotism and do something about
it. The Invisible Hand will allow supporters to substitute executives from
any downtrodden company listed on ****edcompany.com. You will never own a
Bentley, wear hand-tailored silk shirts, or have a gentleman's gentleman;
why deprive a worthy executive from ascending, and more importantly, from
maintaining the lifestyle he so richly deserves? (pun not intended) Imagine
the feeling of satisfaction, the pure joy of knowing that your sponsor
ex-executive at the former spiltmilk.com will be able to have his caviar and
eat it too. *It's just that easy - do it now!*
Please charge the account listed below ___________ per day and send me a
picture of the Enron executive I have sponsored, along with my very own
Enron "Keep America Strong Sponsor an Enron Exec: Ask Me How!" t-shirt to
Your Name: _______________________
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ]Discover
Account Number: _______________________
Mail completed form to "The Invisible Hand" or call 1-900-2MUCH now to
enroll by phone. Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the executive
they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not
limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind
that the executive you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his
free time, thanks to your generous donations.
Contributions are not tax-deductible.
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