Monty Python takes on George W

Ben Courtice benj at
Fri Feb 7 15:27:55 MST 2003

I've only received this once so I'm assuming it hasn't circulated the 
internet 1 000 000 times yet (but I'm doing my bit to ensure that it 
does!). So I hope no-one minds me passing it on.

>  by Terry Jones
> [Monty Python/write - often with Michael Palin/actor/director/TV
> presenter --eg: The Crusades...]
> Sunday January 26, 2003
> The Observer
> I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
> he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been
> really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the
> street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They 
> both
> give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something 
> nasty for
> me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round 
> to his
> place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well
> hidden.
> That's how devious he is.
> As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very
> good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have
> leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll 
> pick us
> off one by one.
> Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the
> police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they
> need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll 
> come up
> with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a
> pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his 
> plans
> to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering
> people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of
> automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until
> recently that's been a little difficult.
> Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is
> run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!
> And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards
> Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. 
> The
> one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting
> the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never
> threatened us.
> That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife
> and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll
> leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable 
> way.
> Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing
> Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of
> mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've
> just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children 
> as
> Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.
> Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by
> eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever
> long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? 
> How
> will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every
> single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist
> once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists?
> These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the
> known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated
> themselves.
> Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be
> a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his
> objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some 
> moderate
> Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe
> thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
> It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip
> of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I
> don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one
> will be really safe until I've wiped them all out.
> My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply
> using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts 
> her
> up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough
> reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give
> the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open
> and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic
> outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand 
> them
> over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street
> to kingdom come.
> It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in
> contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one
> street.
> Guardian Unlimited
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> © Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003

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