Bush asks Congress for $30-Billion anti-criticism campaign

John Paramo albatrosrojo2000 at yahoo.com
Tue Jul 1 20:16:44 MDT 2003

----- Very funny ---- from Onion ----

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the need to safeguard "America's
most vital institutions and politicians" against
potentially devastating attacks, President Bush asked
Congress to sign off Monday on a $30 billion funding
package to help fight the ongoing War On Criticism.

Photograph Above: Bush unveils his sweeping new
anti-criticism initiative.
"Sadly, the threat of criticism is still with us,"
Bush told members of Congress during a 2 p.m.
televised address. "We thought we had defeated
criticism with our successes in Afghanistan and Iraq.
We thought we had struck at its very heart with the
broad discretionary powers of the USA Patriot Act. And
we thought that the ratings victory of Fox News,
America's News Channel, might signal the beginning of
a lasting peace with the media. Yet, despite all this,
criticism abounds."

Critical activities, Bush noted, have not returned to
pre-Sept. 11 levels, when well-organized, coordinated
attacks on his administration were carried out on a
near-daily basis. But in spite of the National
Criticism Alert Level holding steady at yellow
(elevated), administration officials warn of severe
impending attacks.

"We've become too complacent," Attorney General John
Ashcroft said. "We've grown accustomed to thinking of
criticism as something that only happens to people in
other political parties. But this administration needs
this funding to counter a very real threat to its

Ashcroft said the Justice Department, working closely
with the CIA and FBI, has identified more than 300
potential targets, ranging from the Bush
Administration's inability to produce the weapons of
mass destruction used to justify the war with Iraq to
its deficit-ballooning fiscal policies.

"I doubt I could protect my ongoing Halliburton
cronyism from critical strikes with just a few million
dollars—especially if it was not accompanied by
powerful preemptive legislation," Vice-President Dick
Cheney said. "We need to build stronger anti-criticism
defense shields in this country. And the time to act
is now, before the media say something negative about

If the funding is approved, the Bush Administration
will act swiftly to shore up numerous areas of
vulnerability. Among the actions: ensuring that the
White House is defended against verbal snipers,
safeguarding the president's past illicit actions from
biographical weapons, and sealing off the largest
sources of domestic criticism by securing and
patrolling the nation's newsrooms.

Congressional leaders are already pledging their
support for the plan.

"As government officials, we have an absolute
obligation to protect the leader of this country from
future acts of criticism," U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch
(R-UT) said. "And it will not be cheap, easy, or

"We're all in this together," Speaker of the House
Dennis Hastert said. "You attack one American
politician, you attack us all."

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