[Marxism] Kerry would have gone to war

Mark Lause MLause at cinci.rr.com
Wed Aug 11 19:57:03 MDT 2004

Cherie wrote, "I feel like I'm watching a Monty Python Flying Circus

Hmmm...with apologies for lengthy, something that would go like.....

--- --- --- 

Medicare: Good morning, sir.

Mousebender: Good Morning. I was sitting in the public library on
Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herries' by Horace
Walpole, when suddenly I came over all socially dissatisfied.

Medicare: Dissatisfied, sir?

Mousebender: Politically discontented.

Medicare: Eh?

Mousebender: Eee I were all desirous of change, like!

Medicare: Oh, dissatisfied.

Mousebender: In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little contact
with some open-minded progressives in the Democratic Party will do the
trick'. So I curtailed my Walpolling activites, sallied forth and
infiltrated your party headquarters in aspiration that you offered some
hope for posterity. 

Medicare: Come again.

Mousebender: I want to vote for some of your candidates.

Medicare: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music!

Mousebender: Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations
of the terpsichorean muse.

Medicare: Sorry?

Mousebender: I like a nice dance. Now my good man, some information on
your candidates, please.

Medicare: Yes certainly, sir. What would you like?

Mousebender: Well, how about some candidates who favor socialism.

Medicare: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of candidates who favor even the
most mild and creeping kind of socialism, sir.

Mousebender: Oh, never mind. How are you on some pro-labor positions

Medicare: Never in a presidential election year, sir. Always get some of
it in the off-year elections when voter turnout is lower.

Mousebender: Tish tish. No matter. Well, how about a nationally
guaranteed income, then.

Medicare: Ah well, that's been in the works for about forty years, sir,
I was expecting it this morning.

Mousebender: Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, a pro forma declaration in
favor of the separation of church and state?

Medicare: Sorry.

Mousebender: An Equal Rights Amendment?

Medicare: Normally, sir, yes, but today the poll numbers went down below
80% in favor, so we can't risk it.

Mousebender: Ah. Fair housing?

Medicare: Sorry.

Mousebender: Pledges on Supreme Court appointees? Better NLRB

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Any environmental protection for the east Oregon wombat?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Federal standards to prevent vote fraud?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Any criticisms of ethnic cleansing in Bosnia?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Ethnic cleansing in Israel?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Ethnic cleansing in the Florida voting rolls?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Abolition of the death penalty?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Prison for pilfering CEOs?

Medicare: ...No.

Mousebender: Any increased funding for mass transit?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Schools? libraries? hospitals? anything good for the public
even though it doesn't turn a profit for someone?

Medicare: Ah! We do have a position against the War in Iraq, sir.

Mousebender: You do! Excellent.

Medicare: It's a bit loose and insubstantial, sir.

Mousebender: Oh, I like position for peace to be very general.

Medicare: Well as a matter of fact the position's downright vague, sir.

Mousebender: No matter. No matter. Tell me which of your candidates are
openly opposed to the War in Iraq.

Medicare: I think their position is more runny than you like it, sir.

Mousebender: (smiling grimly) I don't care how excrementally runny it
is. Which of your candidates is opposed to the war.

Medicare: Yes, sir. (examines papers behind the desk and reappears)

Mousebender: What?

Medicare: That candidate's not running.

Mousebender: Is he not?

Medicare: She, sir.

Mousebender: Same sex marriage?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: International environmental agreements?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: How about just not invading other countries for the hell of

Medicare: No.  They might have weapons of mass destruction, ties to
terrorists, or pose a threat to us, sir.

Mousebender: How about just not invading other countries for the hell of
it if they don't have weapons of mass destruction, if they don't have
ties to terrorists, and if they don't pose a threat to us?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Civil liberties and the Bill of Rights?

Medicare: No, sir.

Mousebender: You do have some progressive positions, don't you?

Medicare: Certainly, sir. Although we don't say so too loudly, sire,
we're a very liberal party, sir. We've got candidates who want to

Mousebender: No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Medicare: Fair enough.

Mousebender: Medicare.

Medicare: Yes, sir?

Mousebender: Splendid. Well, which of your candidates want to improve
that program then, please.

Medicare: Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr

Mousebender: An automatic cost of living increase for retirees?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: A promise not to institute the Draft?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Interest-free student loans?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Sheltering the homeless?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Raising the minimum wage?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: Anything to feed the hungry?

Medicare: Not today sir, no.


Mousebender: Well let's keep it simple, how about defending freedom of
speech and freedom of assembly?

Medicare: Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for such a position
around these parts.

Mousebender: Not call for it? It's the single most popular issue in the
western world!

Medicare: Not round these parts, sir.

Mousebender: And pray what is the most popular issue round these parts?

Medicare: Closing tax loopholes for big corporations, sir.

Mousebender: I see.

Medicare: Yes, sir. It's quite staggeringly popular around here, squire.

Mousebender: Is it.

Medicare: Yes sir, it's our number-one issue.

Mousebender: Is it.

Medicare: Yes sir.

Mousebender: Closing tax loopholes for big corporations, eh?

Medicare: Right.

Mousebender: OK, I'm game. Have you got any plans to close the tax
loopholes for big corporations, he asked, expecting the answer no?

Medicare: I'll have a look through their brochures,

Mousebender: It's not much of a progressive party really, is it?

Medicare: Finest in the country, sir.

Mousebender: And what leads you to that conclusion?

Medicare: Well, it's so clean of any members of the Bush family.

Mousebender: Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by progressive

Medicare: You haven't asked me about our commitment to uphold, protect
and defend the Constitution of the United States, sir.

Mousebender: Is it worth it?

Medicare: Could be.

Mousebender: OK, have you...will you shut that bloody dancing up! (the
music stops)

Medicare: (to dancers) Told you so.

Mousebender: Have you got any candidates willing to say that they'll do
what they swear to do--to uphold, protect and defend the Constitution of
the United States?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was
an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell
me something, do you have any progressive positions at all?

Medicare: Yes, sir.

Mousebender: Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if
you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have
any progressive positions at all?

Medicare: No.

Mousebender: (shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life. (puts a
cowboy hat on his head. Cut to stock shot of man on horse riding into
the sunset. Music swells dramatically.)

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