[Marxism] The World According to Student Bloopers

Mike Friedman mikedf at mail.amnh.org
Wed Dec 29 19:18:02 MST 2004

The following piece comes from one of Richard Lederer's books, perhaps 
ANGUISHED ENGLISH. It's the history of the world as
collected from the typos and malaprops of students. It is NOT Marxist, but 
it IS funny! Enjoy!

1/18/98 -- The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Lederer -- St. 
Paul's School

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is 
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have 
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably 
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United 
States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you 
will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah 
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the 
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are 
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of 
a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France 
and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the 
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of 
their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to 
sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his 
brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons 
to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, 
gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led 
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made 
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get 
the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. 
He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical 
times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three 
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A 
myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him 
in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The 
Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the 
last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not 
written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. 
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and 
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government 
of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own 
hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that 
they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they 
fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had 
more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans 
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, 
the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on 
the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought 
he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his 
poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur 
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the 
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and 
the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the 
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same 
offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest 
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also 
wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow 
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of 
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at 
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being 
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the 
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of 
great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter 
Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another 
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake 
circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking 
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the 
"Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed 
herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went 
out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear 
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in 
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In 
one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by 
relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to 
convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and 
Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as 
Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great 
author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies 
and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great 
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His 
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims 
crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they 
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the 
hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried 
porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with 
their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a 
hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. 
Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in 
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post 
without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing 
balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. 
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. 
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the 
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his 
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented 
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against 
itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of 
Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to 
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the 
right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died 
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own 
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, 
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address 
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. 
He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment 
gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln 
went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a 
moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a 
supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare 
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was 
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the 
apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel 
was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach 
died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was 
deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest 
even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later 
died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution 
was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of 
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the 
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. 
Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's 
flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and 
unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine 
was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in 
the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest 
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the 
end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the 
final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. 
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. 
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a 
hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer 
discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the 
"Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx 
became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, cause by the 
assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals 
of human history.

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