[Marxism] 52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope
lnp3 at panix.com
Mon Mar 7 13:56:30 MST 2005
Jeff Koyens Exit Interview
As FishBowlNY reported earlier today, New York Press editor Jeff Koyen has
stepped down from his position in the wake of intense criticism for the
papers Pope-mocking cover story from last week.
We caught up with Koyen as he cleaned out his desk and he told us hed
probably hit the road, maybe return to Eastern Europe, where hed been
before taking over the paper.
He also sent us this exit statement, which were reproducing in whole:
In Fridays Daily News, Rep. Anthony Weiner called on New Yorkers to
exercise their right to take as many of these rags as they can and put
them in the trash. Unfortunately for Mr. Weiner, New Yorkers dont have
that right. No one does. Interrupting the distribution of any
newspapereven a paid one, wherein you buy, say, 1000 copies and toss
themis against the law. Case law dictates that the right to circulation is
to be held as sacred as the right to publish, as one is worthless without
My bosses apparently dont believe in New York Press right to
distribute. They refused to stand up against Rep. Weiner; they refused to
condemn his call-to-action as immoral (and illegal). They also refused to
stand behind me in the face of harsh criticism for publishing Matt Taibbis
52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope. On Friday
afternoon, I went on the 3 different radio programs and even suffered
through an MSNBC appearance with Joe Scarborough and the disgusting bigot
Bill Donohue, head of the Catholic League. I did my best to show this
battle to be one of free expression.
This morning, I was told to accept a two-week unpaid suspension.
During that time, I was to think about what this paper should be.
Problem is, New York Press already is the paper it should be. We are
iconoclastic, occasionally obnoxious but always intelligent. If you see
through the nasty Pope jokes, for instance, you will see a well-reasoned
Publisher Chris Rohland is a spineless alt-weekly weenie. I cant
blame him, really. He has a wife and kids, and a nice home in New Jersey.
He wants nothing more than to punch the clock and get his paychecks. Owner
David Unger, who is the papers ultimate owner, is similarly spineless.
They want New York Press to be advertiser-friendly; they dont want
Thats their choice. But I dont need to be party to such weenieness.
And I wont be sent to my room without dessert. Hence, I resigned this morning.
Its been a great run, and I have nothing but respect for everyone in
the editorial department Ive just left behind. Chris Rohland and David
Unger, however, can blow me. Such weak-willed and lackluster men should not
be in control of a newspaper, especially not in these times of editorial
restriction by way of advertiser dick-sucking. Theyre too vulnerable to
the appeal of money.
So, there ya go. We might notve always loved Koyens version of The Press,
but we did read it every week and we were often surprised and amused by
what we found. Itll be interesting to see who remains and who follows his
resignation and what the former House of Mugger looks like in the next few
NY Press, March 2-8, 2005
THE 52 FUNNIEST THINGS ABOUT THE UPCOMING DEATH OF THE POPE
By Matt Taibbi
52.Pope pisses himself just before the end; gets all over nurse.
51.After death, saggy, furry tits of dead Pope begin inexorable process of
melting away into nothingness, like coldest of Sno-cones under faintest of
50.Pope survives just long enough to be acquired by Isiah Thomas for
Stephon Marbury, 2005 #1 pick and cash considerations. "We feel like we've
made ourselves younger and more competitive," Thomas says.
49.After beating for the last time, Pope's heart sits there like a piece of
48.Whole world waiting until the last minute for a sudden improvement of
his condition. Long lines of girls in the Philippines kneeling and praying.
Catholics everywhere with ears pressed to radios, transfixed. Pope gives
one last groan, spits, dies.
47.Upon death, Pope's face frozen in sickening smile, eyes wide open and
teeth exposed, like a baboon.
46.Beetles eating Pope's dead brains.
45.Pope departs Earth at a time when Hitch is top-grossing movie in the world.
44.Gurgling sound during embalming process; real fluids in dead Pope's body
sucked out into jars.
43.POV Dead Pope: Last glimpse of overcast Italian sky as coffin lid closes
for last time.
42.Get used to that quiet sound.
41.Humming old Polish folk song in there. That kills three minutes.
40.Humming it again, this time getting the words right. Another three minutes.
39.Can't move. Can't reach penis.
38.Somebody taking my job. My job!
37.Getting a little stuffy.
36.Naming all the different types of fish. Flounder, halibut, perch,
goldfish, basking shark...no, do the sharks separately...really stuffy in
here, gar, swordfish, manta ray, eels... No, don't think about eels. Eels
are scary. Boy, is it dark in here. Four minutes gone by.
35.Doctor applies fingers to neck to check expiring Pope's pulse. Pope's
ear falls off.
34.In heaven, Pope keeps wrapping cars around telephone poles.
33.Silverfish pops out of dead Pope's vestment for a moment, immediately
ducks back in.
32.Priest who administers last rites to Pope excitedly calls mother
afterward to tell her how well it went.
31.Dead Pope, still with baboon face, wheeled through corridors of Gemelli
Polyclinic in Rome, learns answer to Great Mystery.
30.Michael Jackson too broke to buy Pope's bones.
29.New Pope inevitably ambitious cleric burning with earthly vigor and
secret desire to undo dead Pope's legacy.
28.Bears everywhere shitting in woods.
27.We'll never get to hear his hilarious post-tracheotomy rendition of
"Come on Eileen."
26.Pope recovers and survives until 2009; New York Press columnist Matt
Taibbi beheaded by passing garbage truck, March 2, 2005.
25.LexisNexis search on phrase "the inner workings of the Vatican are
shrouded in mystery" temporarily crashes system; Eric Alterman unable to
search for press references to "What Liberal Media?" for 37 consecutive hours.
24.Pope spends last hours surrounded by cardinals who stand glaring at him
with folded arms, silently reminding him of the political necessity of
clinging to life.
23.Doctors examining the body discover that the Pope was not only a woman,
but also Hitler.
22.Mankind scrambles to choose new leader of inflexible, sexually morbid
institutional anachronism; heretofore anonymous bureaucrat will instantly
be celebrated as world's holiest man as he travels to AIDS-stricken Africa
to denounce the use of condoms.
21.Telltale white smoke emitting from Vatican chimneys announces a) choice
of new Pope, and b) the fiery death of the 5000 back issues of Manscape and
Hung Inches that had accumulated in the Vatican lobby.
20.Hall and Oates mulling comeback.
19.To the end, the Pope could only think of the poor and the downtrodden.
18.When he died, he stopped thinking of the poor and the downtrodden, and
his face was frozen in that baboon smile, and he thought of nothing at all.
17.In his last days, the Pope was in tremendous pain.
16.NBC Nightly News intern pulls wrong tape from drawer full of long-ago
archived video obits; world thinks Boris Yeltsin has died, wonders why
Brian Williams is calling him an "inspirational spiritual leader."
15.Williams, after broadcast: "Who's Boris Yeltsin?"
14.Matt Lauer to Williams: "He wrote the Contract for America."
13.Just before death, Pope sits up in his bed, shrieks, his body bursts
into flames; everyone runs from the room.
12.Sequoia, birch, maple, willow, palm, oak, pine, fir, mapleNo, wait, I
said maple already...
11.Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal...
10.You dirty rat. You dirty, double-crossing rat... Proxima estacion:
Tibidabo. Tenga cuidado de las puertas deslizantes... It means woods and
blanche means white, so the two together mean white woods... L'état c'est
moi! Don't think about eels, don't think about eels...
9.Bush on the tragic event: "Our thoughts and prayers go out to this great
man and all of his many children."
8.Bush continued: "He touched all of us in places no one else could reach."
7. According to ancient tradition, the slamming shut of the Bronze Door in
St. Peter's Square announces the death of the Pope.
6.Normal Vatican schedule closes that door at 8 p.m. every night and
reopens it in the morning.
5.According to numerous reports, if the Pope dies at night this time, no
one will know what to do. (This is not a joke.)
4.In 1958, reporters paid off Pope Pius XII's physician to throw open the
hospital room window when the Pope died.
3.When a monsignor threw the window open to get some air, the Pope's death
was erroneously reported all over the world.
2.This is what happens when weird old men in dresses communicate with the
world with doors and chimneys.
1.Throw a marble at the dead Pope's head. Bonk!
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