[Marxism] Larry David: Imagining What Keeps Trump Up at Night
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Fri Nov 22 14:59:21 MST 2019
NY Times Op-Ed, Nov. 22, 2019
Larry David: Imagining What Keeps Trump Up at Night
In this fictional conversation, the president chats with his wife at 3
a.m. and comes up with a tremendous idea.
By Larry David
July 2019. The White House — 3 a.m. Donald Trump tosses and turns.
MELANIA: What’s wrong, Donald?
TRUMP: I can’t sleep.
MELANIA: (Turns the lamp on.) Why, what’s bothering you? You can tell me.
TRUMP: No, no. I don’t want to bother you with my problems.
MELANIA: Donald, I’m your wife. You can tell me anything.
TRUMP: O.K. … The truth is, I just can’t stop thinking about corruption
MELANIA: Oh honey.
TRUMP: It’s killing me. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.
MELANIA: Maybe you should take a Xanax.
TRUMP: I took two. It did nothing. The thing is, Melania, it’s just so
difficult for some of these post-Soviet countries to set up a
functioning democracy, and corruption is at the root of that. It’s
endemic. These poor people who lived under the yoke of Communism for so
long are thirsting for genuine democracy and. … (He wells up.)
MELANIA: What, honey? What is it? Tell me.
TRUMP: I just need a second. (Melania hands him a tissue.) Thanks, I’ll
be O.K. I just feel so deeply for them. They’re a brave, decent, honest
people. They deserve so much more than they’re getting. It’s such a
shame. I’ll tell you one thing — I’d like to get my hands on some of
those crooks! That Zlochevsky — I don’t know what I’d do to him. You
know I fought in the Golden Gloves? I could’ve been a professional
boxer. I had many offers. Many.
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MELANIA: I didn’t know that.
TRUMP: Oh, yeah. My fights would be over so fast, I wouldn’t even break
a sweat. Didn’t even take a shower. Sometimes my opponent would beg me
to stop: “Please, please! Don’t hit me anymore!”
MELANIA: I would’ve liked to have seen that.
TRUMP: Unfortunately, none of it’s on video.
MELANIA: Yes, that is unfortunate. But Donald, listen to me. You can’t
keep going on like this.
TRUMP: I know. The whole thing sickens me. Honestly, I’m nauseous. And
Ukraine has so many other problems. I just want to do everything
possible to help them. But how can I if there’s rampant corruption? I
can’t! I can’t! (He slams his hand on the nightstand.)
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MELANIA: Donald, don’t! You’re going to drive yourself crazy. You’ve got
too many important things to think about here. Besides, that’s Ukraine.
It’s a foreign country thousands of miles away.
TRUMP: That doesn’t mean they’re not entitled to good governance, to the
best that man has to offer. It doesn’t matter what country, or where it
is — everyone’s entitled to expect more from their leaders. But this
corruption — it’s shameful. Shameful.
MELANIA: There must be something you can do. After all, you’re president
of the United States. You’re the most powerful person in the world.
TRUMP: Yes, but this is an internal matter. I can’t just tell their
president what to do.
MELANIA: You know, he used to be a comedian.
TRUMP: Yeah. I’m so much funnier than he is. You’ve seen the rallies.
How funny am I? I get tremendous laughs. And I’m doing it off the cuff.
It’s not “material.” None of these comedians can do that. Seinfeld.
Chappelle. Rock. Theirs is all written. I’m improvising. I’m raw.
MELANIA: Maybe that’s something you should think about doing when you
get out of office.
TRUMP: You know what, not the worst idea I ever heard. I like it. …
(Gets an idea.) Oh my God!
Continue reading the main story
TRUMP: I got it. Listen. Ukraine needs military aid to fight the
Russians, and I was going to give it to them. I was going to give them
so much aid, they’d be thanking me for the next 20 years. They’d rename
the capital after me. I wouldn’t even be able to enter the country
because they’d be draped all over my car. It would be adulation like
you’d never seen because of this military aid package. I’m telling you,
it’s bigger than the Marshall Plan. It’s a beautiful package.
MELANIA: O.K. What’s the idea?
TRUMP: Suppose I make the military aid contingent on them rooting out
MELANIA: Donald! How fabulous!
TRUMP: Fabulous, right?
MELANIA: Are you sure that’s legal?
TRUMP: Of course it’s legal. I’m going to get rid of corruption in
Ukraine! How could anyone possibly object to that? And by the way, even
if someone does object, I don’t care. I’m doing something great for that
MELANIA: It sounds great.
TRUMP: You know what? I feel better. I knew I’d eventually figure out a
solution. You know what I am?
MELANIA: A genius?
TRUMP: A stable genius. A very stable genius.
MELANIA: Goodnight, honey. This might be the most perfect plan you’ve
TRUMP: Yes, it’s perfect.
MELANIA: (Turns out the light.) I’m so proud of you.
TRUMP: So am I.
Larry David is a comedy writer and performer.
The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of l
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